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I often get
asked how I juggle motherhood with working full time and the honest answer is I
do not actually know and often find myself asking the same question most days
too.
Having two
kids 11 months apart was certainly not the plan I had in mind, my eldest was 2
months old when I had discovered I was pregnant again, I was just getting into
the routine of the constant nappy changing and milk feeding as well as the
endless laundry, cooking and cleaning all whilst being sleep deprived whilst
mentally preparing myself of the realisation that soon it would have to be done
all over again.
I was on mat
leave from a job I thoroughly enjoyed, really thrived in and so I didn’t want
to or have to worry about the financial side of things just yet, my main focus
was on the two under twos I had. It wasn’t about me anymore. The days were long
and were often spent cooped up at home as I simply did not have the time or
energy to dress myself and leave the house dreading the thought of having to
push two screaming kids around in an enormous double pram practically the size
of me.
A year of
mat leave quickly passed, as they say in motherhood, the days are long but the
years are short and they really are.
After many
discussions, debates and disagreements the husband and I made the decision for
me to resign and stay at home until both
kids were ready to start full time school. Of course this decision was not easy
and I had a million of ‘buts’ and ‘what ifs’ running constantly through my mind
and I often prayed and hoped that I had made the right choice and we wouldn’t
be hit hard financially and struggle later.
For those of
you that know me well would know I absolutely love working and have always had
strong work ethics with the determination and drive to excel in anything that I
do. I gave it my all. I despised the thought of being a full time permanent
stay at home mum or a housewife, it has never been my desire to be a domestic
goddess but instead go out there and earn a honest and decent living making a
career for myself and my family. The bottom line is I loved working and making
a living.
Managing on
one income was never easy, it meant really budgeting and cutting down costs
where we could and swapping Grande cappuccinos from Starbucks for homemade
instant coffees as well as cutting back on the other unnecessary expenses.
Every last bit of savings I had went towards the endless nappies, wipes and
milk I needed for both kids, it was like having twins and doing everything twice
and in unison.
The option
for childcare was always there and there was lots of little schemes available
which meant if I had wanted to I could have worked part time. Truth be told I
just could not bear the thought of leaving my children with random strangers,
child minders or family, they were my responsibility and let’s face it working
your guts off to then just throw it all away on extortionate childcare fees
seemed pretty pointless and ridiculous. Besides I wanted to be there and see
every milestone, their first word, first steps, and their first tooth and so
on. These precious moments would never come again I kept telling myself.
Fast forward
four years, I threw myself into work and became the main income earner whilst
my husband worked part time. The transition was tough, but the feeling of guilt
was even tougher. I remember crying on my very first day of work after dropping
them to school. I worked endlessly and paid all the bills whilst he did the
school runs and grocery shops. Some would even say we reversed roles and I
suppose in a way we did. It became a partnership. Some days I often found
myself at breaking point questioning whether I could do it all, I was far too tired
and felt as though I had every ounce of energy and life sucked out of me only
to pick myself up and carry on..if I didn't who would I often thought to myself...
Mornings
consist of a mini military operation, dragging both kids out of bed with me
being their best friend and worst enemy all at the very same time, a constant
race against time, sipping my now lukewarm cup of coffee whilst getting both
kids dressed, fed and ready for school, book bags and PE kits checked for the
tenth time and frantically running around like a headless chicken whilst trying
to get myself looking presentable for work, praying and hoping that I hadn’t forgotten
to do anything important or completely forgotten an assembly or school trip
they had.
Often
stumbling into work at half nine each morning with colleagues often asking how
on earth do I manage it all, how on earth do I manage a full face of makeup and
hair with the whole contouring and highlighting shebang and I honestly wonder
myself sometimes. Getting up before everyone else and having that extra hour to
shower and cram it all in certainly does help. All I do know is that caffeine
is my best friend, you would often find me gulping down a can of red bull most
days to keep me going and stopping me falling asleep at my desk, most days
having had a broken night’s sleep and then a tough day at work can really bring
you down and lose the plot so to speak.
The hardest
thing for me? When you’ve had a challenging day at the office, everything and
anything has gone wrong and it has just not been your day, week or month, having
to then rush home, switch off and get the dinner on, kids fed, bathed, bedtime
story and then to sleep all in less than two hours. Then having to clear away
the dinner dishes, put a load of washing on and hoover and clear up any muck
the kids (or husband!) has made. It was never ending. Weekends were no better
too, the dreaded grocery shopping, kids haircuts, homework, things around the
house and pamper sessions for myself that I could not find the time to do in
the week. You yearn for an escape, wishing you could just book yourself in a
nice hotel somewhere, away from everyone with some much needed peace and quiet
oh and one preferably with a spa and lots of room service!
By around
9.45pm most days I find myself slumped
on the sofa with not having the tiniest bit of energy to move, eyes half shut
and just wanting my bed at this point, then I remember I had forgotten to reply
to a text or phone call or work through the hundred of notifications i had from
Whatapp group chats, or completely forgotten to check whether we do have the
all important ingredient in the cupboard for the next day’s dinner, that is
after finally deciding what to cook that is. Most nights were spent trying to
glue up the last bit of their mini science or art project before dragging
myself upstairs removing my makeup and psyching myself up for only having to do
it all over again the very next day. Is there such a thing as the perfect
balance? Probably not and maybe I could have cut myself a little slack here and
there now I think about it.
Would I have
it any other way? Absolutely not believe it or not. Yes it is VERY mentally,
physically and emotionally draining and the constant race against time and
trying to juggle everything as well as find ‘me’ or ‘couple’ time (yes the
husbands need attention too!) is almost impossible and I realise I am not
alone, yet in a funny sort of way it is so rewarding at the same time too. It
all takes a lot of strength and organisation and having to constantly keep
yourself motivated and remind yourself that you are doing it all for your
family and that it will all be worth it in the end. Patience is key and
required, lots and lots of it.
My end goal?
Is to be a good role model to both my children and set them a good example and
encourage them. Remind them that mummy made it to all the parents evenings and
assemblies despite working full time, she took the day off work when she needed
to stay at home when we were poorly, she put the dinner on the table after a
long and tiring day at work and worked endlessly hard so that we could wear
nice clothes and have nice holidays. She did it all for us.
And yet
again, if you were to ask me how on earth I do it all, the answer is I have no
idea....
Love and
Lipstick.
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